My senior is making my life hell. She hates me. I can tell. I really shouldn't let this type of thing bother me but it does.
I'm trying. Hard. When it's not appreciated, I tend to lose all sort of motivation to continue trying. Her techniques are weak and discouraging.
Got sick at work. Threw up more than 5 times today although my stomach only contains a burger I had for breakfast. I feel fine now but I'm definitely skipping work tmr. Fuck them.
Now for the good.
I got a few messages on myspace from awesome people trying to cheer me up. Best message yet is from my dear friend Andrew Sparkes, a music engineer from the UK. He didn't have to say much but it's just nice to hear some words of encouragement from someone who has lived it.
" you always look so strong and focused in your photo's - don't make life a self-fulfilling prophecy - you'll get there one day - it's in your eyes."
Such a nice man. We've agreed to collaborate on a project. I'm psyched!
Made my day. :)
Ughwownenigans
Lyds - 2:17am
Friday, July 24, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Procreating
One thing I fear for my latest procreation
is not living up to the expectations.
Not so much anyone elses but my own.
I'm sure everyone who has been through this stage feel the same but while
I'm at it, I might as well talk about it.
I've had visions, dreams and ambitions for this little baby but I'm afraid my
limitations will ruin everything. I may not be doing this all by myself but
I feel all this pressure to be perfect and to prove something.
Me and my big mouth.
Now everyone's expecting.
This is actually not a big deal anyway.
We're just going at it to try it out.
Get the experience needed.
Move a step forward from just dreaming.
But I'm afraid the failure of this not-a-big-deal
will break me beyond repair.
I'm afraid this not-a-big-deal will
ruin me.
Either way, this will prove to be a wake up call.
The end results will prove once and for all,
what and where we are and whether this is even worth
going for.
I wish I was Noel Gallagher.
Nervousenenigans
is not living up to the expectations.
Not so much anyone elses but my own.
I'm sure everyone who has been through this stage feel the same but while
I'm at it, I might as well talk about it.
I've had visions, dreams and ambitions for this little baby but I'm afraid my
limitations will ruin everything. I may not be doing this all by myself but
I feel all this pressure to be perfect and to prove something.
Me and my big mouth.
Now everyone's expecting.
This is actually not a big deal anyway.
We're just going at it to try it out.
Get the experience needed.
Move a step forward from just dreaming.
But I'm afraid the failure of this not-a-big-deal
will break me beyond repair.
I'm afraid this not-a-big-deal will
ruin me.
Either way, this will prove to be a wake up call.
The end results will prove once and for all,
what and where we are and whether this is even worth
going for.
I wish I was Noel Gallagher.
Nervousenenigans
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Frail Thoughts
I'm sitting here all by myself just trying to think of something to do.
I'm trying to think of anything just to keep me from thinking of you.
Mr B.
Honestly.
You've gotten me to quote a Plain White Ts song. I must be in too deep. Way too over my head and knee deep in make believe.
Let's change the blogject.
So I have this part time job right. One I just sorta started. Got this big deal schedule and all. Thought I'd actually be earning some moolah for myself you know. Perhaps even pitch in with the family expenses.
Then I was transferred to work at a different outlet.
Fine.
New environment. New people. New adventures.
On my first day at the new place, I thought "Man. I hate it here. But I hated my time there. So where? What? Who?"
3 days and I haven't gotten a call to work. I'm semi ecstatic at this fact but you can just imagine the kind of things I'm hearing at home.
What kind of a job is this?
You need a real job.
It's time you grow up.
You're not a kid anymore.
The job offer is still open for me.
They actually want me.
And I'll be in a position where I'm in charge.
Why have I chosen to downgrade myself?
Was it just to prove a point?
To prove that my decisions were worth anything?
Perhaps.
Or maybe I just didn't want to see myself die.
Maybe Mr B's probably the distraction I need to delay this decision.
Maybe Mr B is in more ways than one my very own savior.
Maybe Mr B is exactly what I needed.
Maybe Mr B is exactly what I need.
My dreams are turning frail
When did my life get so stale?
I have so many things to live for
but I'm not keen on living it anymore.
Mr Benanigans
Lyds - 12:36pm
I'm trying to think of anything just to keep me from thinking of you.
Mr B.
Honestly.
You've gotten me to quote a Plain White Ts song. I must be in too deep. Way too over my head and knee deep in make believe.
Let's change the blogject.
So I have this part time job right. One I just sorta started. Got this big deal schedule and all. Thought I'd actually be earning some moolah for myself you know. Perhaps even pitch in with the family expenses.
Then I was transferred to work at a different outlet.
Fine.
New environment. New people. New adventures.
On my first day at the new place, I thought "Man. I hate it here. But I hated my time there. So where? What? Who?"
3 days and I haven't gotten a call to work. I'm semi ecstatic at this fact but you can just imagine the kind of things I'm hearing at home.
What kind of a job is this?
You need a real job.
It's time you grow up.
You're not a kid anymore.
The job offer is still open for me.
They actually want me.
And I'll be in a position where I'm in charge.
Why have I chosen to downgrade myself?
Was it just to prove a point?
To prove that my decisions were worth anything?
Perhaps.
Or maybe I just didn't want to see myself die.
Maybe Mr B's probably the distraction I need to delay this decision.
Maybe Mr B is in more ways than one my very own savior.
Maybe Mr B is exactly what I needed.
Maybe Mr B is exactly what I need.
My dreams are turning frail
When did my life get so stale?
I have so many things to live for
but I'm not keen on living it anymore.
Mr Benanigans
Lyds - 12:36pm
Sunday, July 19, 2009
My Job Sucks/Rocks
Part-time paying job: SUCKS.
Freelance unpaying job: ROCKS.
If I didn't need money to feed myself, I'd work for free. Seriously.
My paying job is driving me insane. I hate every minute of it. But fuck that, it's my day off and I'm not gonna spend it talking about work.
In March, I interviewed my now favourite band Misery Signals when they were in Singapore. Just to sorta poke fun (knowing the response was not going to be very positive), I asked them to tell the mag what they thought of a band, every other band loves to hate. Avenged Sevenfold. Mind you, I've been an Avenged fan since wayyyyyy back so this was indeed an intentional poke. I found the answers they gave more funny than insulting. HAHAHA
Anyway, MONTHS AND MONTHS later, people are still actually talking about it. I still get angry comments on youtube and just a few minutes ago, my dear friend Carmen directed me to this link right here:
http://deathbatnews.wordpress.com/2009/07/19/misery-signals-talk-avenged-sevenfold-fun-or-furious/
Talk about sooooooooo much drama............
HAHA. I'm glad people are getting quite a kick off of it. It makes me feel evil and devious. So great, so great. And it's quite flattering too. I not only have my work published, I have people talking about it.
I actually have potential to be like Diane Sawyer. HAHAHA
As bad as this may sound, it made my day. <3
Journonenigans
Lyds - 2:28pm
Freelance unpaying job: ROCKS.
If I didn't need money to feed myself, I'd work for free. Seriously.
My paying job is driving me insane. I hate every minute of it. But fuck that, it's my day off and I'm not gonna spend it talking about work.
In March, I interviewed my now favourite band Misery Signals when they were in Singapore. Just to sorta poke fun (knowing the response was not going to be very positive), I asked them to tell the mag what they thought of a band, every other band loves to hate. Avenged Sevenfold. Mind you, I've been an Avenged fan since wayyyyyy back so this was indeed an intentional poke. I found the answers they gave more funny than insulting. HAHAHA
Anyway, MONTHS AND MONTHS later, people are still actually talking about it. I still get angry comments on youtube and just a few minutes ago, my dear friend Carmen directed me to this link right here:
http://deathbatnews.wordpress.com/2009/07/19/misery-signals-talk-avenged-sevenfold-fun-or-furious/
Talk about sooooooooo much drama............
HAHA. I'm glad people are getting quite a kick off of it. It makes me feel evil and devious. So great, so great. And it's quite flattering too. I not only have my work published, I have people talking about it.
I actually have potential to be like Diane Sawyer. HAHAHA
As bad as this may sound, it made my day. <3
Journonenigans
Lyds - 2:28pm
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Box
The world lacks in imagination. We're all living in a box full of donts.
We're afraid.
We're afraid.
The lid is always ajar wide enough for us to breathe but not quite for us to easily jump out. Once in a while some of us peep through the little opening. Once in a while, we dare to dream. We see that the possibilities and choices are all out there. This is the challenge. Are you going to take it on, or are you going to reside to a corner of this little box that is slowly sufforcating you dry? Do we just live with it or do run like hell from each side to the other to topple over this box?
I've never been bold enough to say out loud what I truly want in life. Only my bestfriend knows. I don't feel so much ashamed to share this with Sya because she's the only one in the world who doesn't look at me like I'm completely crazy and jaded. Because she truly knows what it's like. People don't want to admit this but I see it. I see it in their eyes. People get transparent when this subject arises. If I told you about this, I'd lose all respect for you because I know what you'd see.
I've kept most of it in my head. I've been striving and kicking and screaming and breaking down. Of course, I see this as part of the process.
We're all 3 centimeters tall.
The box is as tall or as short as your mind sees it.
The box is as tall or as short as your mind sees it.
RUN. JUMP. KICK. SCREAM.
Nothingnenigans
Lyds -3:45pm
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Escape
Thoroughly Amused.
So as planned for about a month already, the McGirls FINALLY got our asses to the amusement park. Yes, we know.. the rides are lame and you'll get bored of it in like a few minutes but we NEEDED to go to a theme park together! These bunch of girls are reckless on a normal day so we decided to test out how it'd be like to actually have a reason to be psyched or ..uhm.. amused.
Only with the Echo McGirls Houchie Mammas will you hear high pitched screaming and a gorefest happen on the same ride. We're pretty fucking brootal but still girls. High pitched thing was probably just me. Haha.
I've vowed to never go in another theme park haunted house again but after being chased around the park and captured (with many onlookers laughing their asses off at us) I was dragged to hell once again. My throat is still sore from screaming at the wonderful nothings of that thing. I hid my face in Sya's shoulders the whole time. Seriously.
Here are a few classic quotes -
On the viking:
Lyds: WHO'S BRILLIANT IDEA WAS IT TO SIT RIGHT AT THE BACK?!
Sya+ Lyn: YOOOOUUURSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!
On the water coaster:Lyn: KANINA CHIBAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
Lyds: SIAL AH SIAL AH SIAL AH SIAL AH
Sya: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Carms: FUCK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
On the family coaster:Sya: I think what makes it scary is the SSSSSSSSSAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(she really meant "sounds")
On EVERY ride:Lyn+Carms+Sya: KACANG K KACANG.
We conversed about "No Use For A Name" and our holiday plans while ON the flipper ride. That was actually quite fun. Carms is an awesome go kart driver. She almost murdered me but that was totally awesome!
It shows that no matter how lame or excruciatingly painful or scary (ergo, haunted house) something can be, having your bestfriends there with you will make it all worth while (and ridiculously hilarious). We don't really need much to have fun, that's fo shizzle. I heart my girls. :) I hope we can all go/suffer on tour together one day.
BEFORE:
AFTER:
AFTER:
FUNENANIGANS!
Lyds - 12:39pm
Friday, July 10, 2009
My Life: The Punctual Coincidence
The division.
Breathe proper
Think straight
This is my decision
To make
Man the perfect irony that is my life.
2 days ago, while on my way to book transportation and accommodation for our family trip later this month, my brother calls me on my cell, with my dad's phone. Since its my FATHER calling, I had no choice but to answer it. He was convincing me to join my dad's company (he doesn't own it but he works with it). With my mom staring right at me and my dad probably hogging over my brother, I just agreed to it, KNOWING it's not something I want to do and knowing I'll hate myself forever for this decision.
Yesterday, I went on a dinner date with my parents at East Coast and for the whole 30 minute journey there, my dad went on and on and on about why I should take this job and the reasons and plus sides of it all. His plus sides equaled my minus sides.
So I didn't say much, didn't respond much, didn't move much, didn't breathe much. Depression took its time to sink in. It was this morning that I woke up thinking about where I'd be in 5 years.
Sad. Manufactured. Rushed. Unmotivated. Sad.
Maybe I was just being over-dramatic but that's just me. I think too much. I think too far. But do I? Is it wrong of me to expect to achieve something by the time I'm at a certain age? Is it wrong of me to select my own goals? Is it wrong of me to decide how my future was to be sculptured? Is it wrong of me to have a dream?
But in a shocking twist of fate, at exactly 4:58pm, Gramophone saved my life. (Or ruined it. This has yet to be decided.)
I told my dad about this and his reaction was expected. He was mad. Disappointed. Mad disappointed. I don't blame him. It was not a wise decision. But it was my own. Something I felt I had to do for myself. I think it's clear to them now that it's not about the money to me. It's about my sanity. My dad didn't believe I had gotten that call. He said it was too much of a coincidence. Too timely. He was right. I couldn't believe the irony either.
My Life: The Punctual Coincidence.
At 5:28pm, to my greatest delight, my bestfriend receives a call too.
My Life: The Perfect Coincidence.
I thanked my parents profusely for not understanding but respecting my decision. I thanked them every time they said "She's old enough to make her own decisions. To make her own mistakes." Yes, this is true. If this was a fall I had to take, I'll willingly oblige. I know for a fact I'm going to hate my job sooner or later, but let me hate it on my own terms. Let me choose what I want to hate.
So yeah, I start work on Tuesday. I'm excited. :)
Another incident that made today awesome:
Reason why Lyds is looking forward to the year ending:
The second tweet happens to be my homegirl Lyn. :)
Awesome Shenanigans,
Lyds - 2:20 am
2 days ago, while on my way to book transportation and accommodation for our family trip later this month, my brother calls me on my cell, with my dad's phone. Since its my FATHER calling, I had no choice but to answer it. He was convincing me to join my dad's company (he doesn't own it but he works with it). With my mom staring right at me and my dad probably hogging over my brother, I just agreed to it, KNOWING it's not something I want to do and knowing I'll hate myself forever for this decision.
Yesterday, I went on a dinner date with my parents at East Coast and for the whole 30 minute journey there, my dad went on and on and on about why I should take this job and the reasons and plus sides of it all. His plus sides equaled my minus sides.
So I didn't say much, didn't respond much, didn't move much, didn't breathe much. Depression took its time to sink in. It was this morning that I woke up thinking about where I'd be in 5 years.
Sad. Manufactured. Rushed. Unmotivated. Sad.
Sad :
I wake up every morning, hating myself for my disability. No was the answer.
Manufactured :
Nothing about me, is me.
Rushed :
So quickly into adulthood. Something I wasn't ready to do.
I feel like I've never really spent time being a child.
Unmotivated :
Everything I've ever dreamt of, worked for, strived to achieve is no longer
an infinite possibility but simply a failure,co existing with a success
I am part of but will never belong to. It's too late.
Sad :
Nothing about this life was my idea.
Maybe I was just being over-dramatic but that's just me. I think too much. I think too far. But do I? Is it wrong of me to expect to achieve something by the time I'm at a certain age? Is it wrong of me to select my own goals? Is it wrong of me to decide how my future was to be sculptured? Is it wrong of me to have a dream?
But in a shocking twist of fate, at exactly 4:58pm, Gramophone saved my life. (Or ruined it. This has yet to be decided.)
I told my dad about this and his reaction was expected. He was mad. Disappointed. Mad disappointed. I don't blame him. It was not a wise decision. But it was my own. Something I felt I had to do for myself. I think it's clear to them now that it's not about the money to me. It's about my sanity. My dad didn't believe I had gotten that call. He said it was too much of a coincidence. Too timely. He was right. I couldn't believe the irony either.
My Life: The Punctual Coincidence.
At 5:28pm, to my greatest delight, my bestfriend receives a call too.
My Life: The Perfect Coincidence.
I thanked my parents profusely for not understanding but respecting my decision. I thanked them every time they said "She's old enough to make her own decisions. To make her own mistakes." Yes, this is true. If this was a fall I had to take, I'll willingly oblige. I know for a fact I'm going to hate my job sooner or later, but let me hate it on my own terms. Let me choose what I want to hate.
So yeah, I start work on Tuesday. I'm excited. :)
Another incident that made today awesome:
Reason why Lyds is looking forward to the year ending:
The second tweet happens to be my homegirl Lyn. :)Awesome Shenanigans,
Lyds - 2:20 am
Sunday, July 5, 2009
A Foundation of Doubt
Believe in what your heart tells you or just get in line?
We were taught to be good beings. We were taught to obey. We were taught to discriminate. We were taught to hate. From the very beginning, it was all about fear and hate.
Do I not believe in something because there appears to be no sort of logic to it?
Do I not believe because there is no ending doubt in me?
Do I believe because I fear what I've always been taught to fear?
Do I believe because of this guilt I feel?
Weigh the facts. Consider the possibilities of it not just being one thing.
Accept that there will be a consequence if you're wrong.
Accept the unending pleasure of it all when you're right.
So many unanswered questions leads to a foundation of doubt.
What this furthers to build on to is up to you.
Confusion is part of life. Questions are there for a reason.
It helps to decide what your path is going to look like.
Contemplate is all I do.
So I have to now weigh between what I believe and what I've been told.
Do I go forth with a life of unanswered questions or do I run free with guilt?
I need answers. That's my decision.
Quarter Life Crisis Sheningans
Lyds - 7:51pm
We were taught to be good beings. We were taught to obey. We were taught to discriminate. We were taught to hate. From the very beginning, it was all about fear and hate.
Do I not believe in something because there appears to be no sort of logic to it?
Do I not believe because there is no ending doubt in me?
Do I believe because I fear what I've always been taught to fear?
Do I believe because of this guilt I feel?
Weigh the facts. Consider the possibilities of it not just being one thing.
Accept that there will be a consequence if you're wrong.
Accept the unending pleasure of it all when you're right.
So many unanswered questions leads to a foundation of doubt.
What this furthers to build on to is up to you.
Confusion is part of life. Questions are there for a reason.
It helps to decide what your path is going to look like.
Contemplate is all I do.
So I have to now weigh between what I believe and what I've been told.
Do I go forth with a life of unanswered questions or do I run free with guilt?
I need answers. That's my decision.
Quarter Life Crisis Sheningans
Lyds - 7:51pm
Saturday, July 4, 2009
The Trick To Feeling Better...
Breathe.
Everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe Today
We can put the past away
So I've been feeling frustrated, devastated, pissed, sad, hopeless and everything bad this week alone. So I decided to dedicate my Saturday to Hippo Time. Just do stuff I love doing, away from everyone that has been causing the pain, and everyone in general. So I wrote songs, read a few chapters of my favourite book, watched a few movies I hadn't had the chance to watch, blasted my favourite songs on the stereo, danced around the house like a mad woman, took my time in the shower, didn't comb my hair, didn't switch on the telly (its bombarded by extremely depressing thing like MJ's death), made breakfast the way I wanted to eat it, karaoke'd to itunes, posted a nasty comment on a youtube video, laughed as loud as I could to everything funny I saw online and basically did whatever the fuck I wanted. It felt good. I feel better. I encourage everyone to have one day to do this for yourself. :)
On that note, I've made up my mind that I am totally going to marry Bradley Cooper.
Just saying..
I ♥ DoucheBags.
Healing ShenanigansLyds - 10.17pm
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Quarter Life Crisis
So 2 certificates later, I'm back here again. However this time, I know what I want. I want my advanced diploma. That's for sure. But this time, the only thing different is my financial situation. I'm not gonna tell you how I managed to pay for my diploma because its something you just don't brag about. I have no choice but to start working. The problem is, my parents don't seem to understand that papers do matter. They want me to start working for a construction company (one that my brother was forced to go into also). I know they want the best for me but I'm just not up for working in a cubicle all my life. temporary is fine. Full time for a period of forever?
I've struggled so hard trying to find myself. Figuring out what I want to do with life is hard enough. Having pressure to work, not towards but away from my goal is not helping. I know what I want. I want to work as a media, for a media, publishing.. anything that revolves around this. If I have to be stuck in Singapore forever, I'd rather be stuck here doing something I don't hate completely.
I guess it's just all in the package of being the age I am now. Why has the quarter life crisis shifted to such an early age. I thought I'd only be losing sleep and sobbing over something like this when I'm 25 or older....
Its the longing for something. Something you want, but cannot have. Not for now anyway.
Is this why people get involved in seriously fucked up relationships at this age? Do I have to get into a sucky BGR situation to achieve some sort of distraction from this crisis?
I dont know...
From the way I see it, I'm royally fucked. But I'll dig myself a hole in this eventually. Screw everyone, I'll make it.
Fucked Up Shenenigans
Lyds - 1:07am
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Argh.
FUCK MY LIFE.
One thing I hate more than being forced to do something I don't want to do is the ability to say no taken from you. I've never wanted to die so much in my life. This SUCKS so much that nothing in the world could make things better other than an Exit Point.
I knew I had a reason for writing that song. Hopefully one day I can get it recorded properly and send out to people who would say FML about 100 times everyday before going to bed, hoping they won't have to face tomorrow. And I hope those people will get their chance to continue the revolution. But as I see it, I'm glad the end is 2012. So fucking glad.
FUCKMYLIFE Shenanigans.
Lyds - 11:00pm
I knew I had a reason for writing that song. Hopefully one day I can get it recorded properly and send out to people who would say FML about 100 times everyday before going to bed, hoping they won't have to face tomorrow. And I hope those people will get their chance to continue the revolution. But as I see it, I'm glad the end is 2012. So fucking glad.
If tomorrow's a gift, you can have it back.
FUCKMYLIFE Shenanigans.
Lyds - 11:00pm
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